9:16 pm: If you’re a Harry Potter fan you’ll totally understand what it feels like when you are so damn sick of a professor that you just want to Avada Kadevra him. Or when you get this urge to put an Imperius Curse on a nuisance neighbor and make him sit straight in a corner whole day long. Some days, you’d want to curse your annoying boss with the Cruciatus Curse and put him through the worst pain and torture of his life, till his toes curl.
Today is one of my days when I really feel like cursing every single person I meet. I had to endure three straight classes of three of the lousiest professors I’ve ever had the misfortune of bearing. Then, I was forced to spend the entire afternoon and evening working my ass off while my boss was being nothing but an absolute douche bag to me. And now, right after I finish writing this, I have to attend this stupid wedding where I have to pose to be the sweetest girl on the face of Earth. I will have to force the curve of my lips to stay upward while these aunties go on and on about each other’s dresses and about how awful the hosts are and how the bride looks fat in her wedding dress and blah blah blah… because I’m gonna put filters through my ears to mute their ranting after 15 minutes of toleration at max.
12:52 am: I didn’t get the chance to complete this write up then. Mom started shouting profanities at me for being the most worthless and dim girl one can ever meet. I’m kinda proud of it to be honest. So, I went to this wedding or I’d rather say “Fancy dress competition” with my mom and a neighborhood lady. Every single person I laid my eyes on was trying to flaunt the weirdest and suckiest form of fashion. (I wonder what their definitions of “Fashion” are). The ladies eventually fought over food and to my utter horror, the neighbor lady we went with was the first in the highlights.
All in all, today was officially the suckiest day one can ever have. These are the days I wished I was a smoker; I’ve heard smoking releases stress. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just feel horrible and inspirations-less. Somebody please ask my crush to text me? Okay, whatever.
It’s coming. It’s almost here, moving at a speed immeasurable. The unfathomably deep and bottomless sea of gloom and despair – it’s moving towards me ready to elope my being into its intensity. This sweepingly sinister feeling of despondency is creeping through my toes towards my legs, to the pit of my stomach and towards my heart. It’s eating away the pumping little piece of tenderness in my chest. The boisterous ocean of scarlet red is deafening my ears, drowsiness far-reaching my insides. Curling up in the bed under the warmth of the sheets, all I can think of is giving in. I want to give in to the darkness may be just for a bit. I want to lie down and let it take over me..
I’m talking and eating and meeting people. I’m going about the everyday business of life but inside I’m dying; as if some virus has infected my heart and it’s consuming it away, little by little every day.
I never knew tears can be this imperative. They were just some dropping wetness to me until now. They were the moisture that showed vulnerability and defenselessness. But now, today, they seem a lot more than that. Today, they surfaced as my refuge. I want to cry the anguish out. I want to cry so hard that my soul may curl. I want to shed each tear and mean it. I need to cry for hours and days and years and eternities; I need to cry until this frustration goes away, until the muddy land of my heart is wiped and cleaned of any contamination. You know what the worst part is? Tears won’t come to me today. They’re going to play all ‘hard to get’ with me tonight. They’ve betrayed me tonight and left me alone to decay away in my own pool of melancholy and gloom. Indeed, it’s a gloom gloomy night!
Yet another year… today when I tread at the bay of 2015 and turn around to see the changes that ensued in 2014, I can’t see anybody or anything changing except for myself. It’s been a year of self growth and development.
January has always been my favorite month, partly because my birthday lies in this month and partly because it brings a change of calendar and a surge of motivation. I’m always hyped up and thrilled in January each year. This year, January brings in defeat for me. Or I must say, December ended up with a defeat for me. In whatever way I pronounce it, the fact that I’m vanquished does not change. I am unable to relish the same excitement this year. I tried, but in vain, to convince myself nothing happened, but there’s no such fallacy that may ease the heat of my burning scar. May be the wound is new and wet and it will take time to heal up. But, at the moment, it’s hurting. It’s hurting pretty bad.
But hey, I’m hopeful and optimistic. The sting will soon be cured. It will be the powerful, buoyant and extraordinary me again. I’ll start my year all over again when I feel better, when I feel radiant and joyous, ready to take on the world. Perhaps, God is waiting till my birthday to vouchsafe me the gift of boon and blessings. I’m biding for the divine favor and protection. And, whatever power be up there, it has never let me down.
As far as 2014 is concerned, it has been a bumpy ride. Or maybe I’ll just baptize it as a voyage; a voyage that endured the storm and got past these huge icebergs like the ones that took away Titanic with them. My titanic is fierce and daring. It smacked with the iceberg and the iceberg crashed shredding into pieces. But, my titanic stood erect and steadfast.
It’s for all those who’re stepping in 2015 with a lesion on their hearts about one thing or the other that happened in 2014. No, I’m not going to give you the ‘new year, start anew’ crap. I’ll just ask you to hold on the rope. Don’t let go. Hold it tight. You’re going to make it and those eyes won’t be cheerless and gloomy then, those lips won’t be wearing a grim. You’ll be the joyful and merry you. I’m holding my horses till I get the cheery me back. You do the same. Have a rocking New Year! (Only when you’re ready)